Good Southern Food

I was perusing Facebook this morning and noticed that my friend Andrew M. had a post about a women in South Carolina asking for “diet sweet tea.” That was humorous in and of itself because “diet sweet tea” is called “unsweetened tea.” I know that you can add those poisonous pink packets of powder to the tea to make it taste sweet and have less calories, but I’m convinced it is better for you just to add the sugar to the tea and drink it that way.

As the dialog progressed, 27 comments before I arrived, Andrew started proclaiming the virtues (actually boasting) of “good southern food” in “South Carolina.” I couldn’t let that pass. Remember, I lived in South Carolina for four years. I’ve lived in Tennessee for two years, Arkansas for three years and I’ve been to Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi and lived in Texas long enough to know what good southern food truly is. I do love many people in South Carolina. So please, know that I’m saying this in love: the phrases “good southern food” and “South Carolina” do not belong in the same sentence.

Again, not saying this to be mean or spiteful. But the good people of South Carolina just need to know the truth. Your food is bland. Allow me to elaborate. It reminds me of food you find in an old-folks home where the spices and what is being served, never meet.

Your barbecue is not to die for. I never liked it. I know you say it’s better than the barbecue in North Carolina, but for most people in the South, that’s like the Chinese Communist saying their brand of communism is better than Soviet Communism. They are both bad. Please, at least learn something from your brethren in Georgia about barbecue. I know, it will cause you to humble yourselves, but at least there will be an improvement and all those hogs going to the pits won’t be wasted.

As for your restaurants, there wasn’t one restaurant in South Carolina that I ever had that burning desire to go to again. That is how you know food is good. When you leave a place, you miss it. There was nothing on the menu I missed when I moved from South Carolina.

In Arkansas, just the good cooking of everyone in the church. In Tennessee, the barbecue places and the cooking in the church. In New Mexico, their brand of Mexican food has me wanting more. In Texas, well, I’m not missing Texas food any more!

But there is no desire whatsoever for food in South Carolina that is unique to South Carolina. I started to say that I did love the shrimp when I was on the coast, but I can get that here in Texas (yes, Texas is on the coast, for those of you who live in Luxora!).

I hope you can handle this criticism of your cuisine with an open mind. If you love your food, that is fine and dandy. But please, don’t boast about it to the rest of us. It’s not really all that good to the rest of us.

AS a side note: if you want to boast, boast about your golf courses. You have some of the best golf courses in the world. I mean that. I know the lady folk won’t care for that, but it’s the best I can do for now.